I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize