1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
