New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Randomize
