No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize