i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
