did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Success! We fucked roommates!
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
