Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
