I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
