I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
