Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
