You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
