I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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