i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
