I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
