burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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