i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
