eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
