proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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