Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
