Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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