I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize