Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
