When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
