i will never coherently bang her
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
