I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize