I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
