so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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