sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
