If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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