Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
