If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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