mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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