You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
