i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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