the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize