Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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