I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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