hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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