Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
