ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
