Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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