why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
i drank out of a bidet.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
