It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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