2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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