the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I just googled if crying burns calories
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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