In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
