U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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