so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
