i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
