Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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