When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
