what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
