so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize