I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
