Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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