Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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