my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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