my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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