don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
