Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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