Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
