I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
