I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
