Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
