We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
