ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
